Post written by Karen Hammons
I’m slightly broken.
And I don’t like saying that out loud. It’s quite painful saying it.
Who knows how many eyeballs landing on those words will subconsciously begin judging me or think how I need to be “fixed”.
This past week I’ve had a “fight” on several fronts.
Children with school issues.
Dealing with legal issues that are three damn years old and finding out it could take another year – or longer.
Forgetting to give four teachers a present before the holiday break. (Small in the grand scheme of things, but that “perfect Mom” label is relentless.)
Right now I am in a raw season.
Processing all of this while trying to figure out who the hell I am at 32 years old.
Not who I’m supposed to be.
Not who others want me to be.
But who is this woman that God has taken so much time to create, pursue, grow, and love passionately?
This woman is trying to demolish the labels I have within different circles of my community, however the most sticky ones are stuck in my own mind.
I’m processing through a mind and heart that feels scrambled a little.
A mind that is a little scared to process through it all on my own, let alone allowing anyone else in on it over the fear that they will run as far as possible.
Because I’m Karen. The happy one. The one with the pink faux hawk who is always happy and encouraging. The fearless leader.
However, sometimes the happy girl struggles too. And when she is leading the charge, sometimes she is shaking the whole time in her black corduroy Tom’s questioning herself and her abilities.
And that is ok. It’s ok to not be ok. I’m simply refusing to stay there.
Daily I have to make the choice in not being fearful of the “mess” any longer.
I don’t need to be “fixed” as some would think.
I’m learning. I’m being stretched. And all the boxes I’ve kept everything in are being crushed one by one.
It’s all for good.
I just need to give myself some grace so I don’t miss the lesson or any part of this journey.
Perhaps the main lesson through all of this is on grace itself.
The power of it. The hugeness of it. The reality of it.