What happens when we don’t like the natural realities of our heart?? I feel loved by being affirmed and encouraged, which I believe is a true classification of how to show love, so is it my natural language? Or… could it be because I’m an only child [until 14]? Or… is this a manifestation of some insecurity that I can’t “beat”? Unfortunately, I believe the answer is, yes.
One of the ways to tell me you love me is to affirm me with acknowledgment, encouragement or even criticism; I just want to be seen. This is likely one of the ways God has created me to experience, different levels of the greatest human emotion, love. It is also likely that the amount I was spoiled as an only child during my first 14 years, coupled w/ the verbal abuse and neglect during my teenage and adult years has created an insecure need to be seen. As I mentioned earlier, I truly believe that both of these are true, which makes this extremely difficult for me to ever feel like I’m really obeying God well enough, loving my friends well enough, pursuing well enough or working hard enough… In my heart of hearts, I do a good job, understanding that everyday is a new journey and there is always room for improvement. Realistically, this understanding doesn’t make less of the mental, spiritual, or emotional struggle[s]… it simply means I must fight to be grounded in my identity as a son to my Daddy and an heir to His throne!
This statement is actually where the fight comes from… “it simply means I must fight to be grounded in my identity as a son to my Daddy and an heir to His throne!“, because if I am being honest with you, I don’t want to need affirmation. Nearly everyday, I am left to resolve this internal fight between what is natural and what is desired. My Daddy loves me, and I know this and there are times that Holy Spirit speaks to my heart and affirms me, but it isn’t often a tangible experience. I know who I am. I have seen glimpses of myself in the way Jesus sees me and those moments have changed my heart forever.
The quoted statement above is my desired reality, however, my natural reality is that I need you to affirm me… I don’t need to be have my ego blown up, I don’t want to be lied to or exaggerated, I just want your heart to be honest with mine. The “you” is general and spans across the different people in my life as well as the various depths of relationships that I am blessed to be involved in. And I am truly thankful for you being a part of my life. I really hope this doesn’t sound like a “boo hoo” type post, it really isn’t… this is simply a struggle in my heart that I wanted to share with the world, because I am likely not alone in this.