I am my disease and I continually reject the cure by an act of silent rebellion, a blatant middle finger or a burning desire to be numb.
Think about a time when you purposely caused something, maybe situationally everything, completely implode… Maybe it was a job, a position that you had fought for and finally gotten, only to buckle under the new responsibilities and eventually lose the position. Maybe it was an outreach venture that your heart longs for dearly, but there was something about being the “leader” that made you take on too much pressure or weight and it crushed you[r spirit]. Or, maybe it was a relationship, you know that one that you’ve day dreamed about for years and once you had the love[r] that you always needed, the insecurity and fight against previous hurt snuck in and loosen the bond two hearts can make.
Let me tell you about my disease… I am self-destructive, through and through. I am so afraid of failing at things that I do not give them a true shot and taking shape. I purposefully dream up and write out but don’t complete projects so I won’t be held responsible for their depth or longevity. What I have done is create an identity for myself of being the guy who starts things and isn’t man enough to carry them through, well… you’ve identified me correctly. I see my potential in post areas of my life, however, have a deeply rooted doubt in my skills and abilities, most of this has to do w/ the poor examples that I have seen. I see so much of myself in these men/women who have dropped the ball and stepped willingly into the net of disappointment.
- A mom who wanted to party more than she wanted me [for a time].
- A dad who wanted to be sexually stimulated rather than sustain his marriage alongside of his need to be numb and eventually die with a lifetime of pain and secrets.
- A pastor who jeopardized and lost everything he had ever wanted in Christian ministry for an opportunity to sleep with his secretary.
I feel this pattern creeping back up… and I’m scared.
I’m scared because I treat my relationship with Jesus the same way that I treat my “success”… I want Him to reject me so I can tell Him, “I told you that you couldn’t handle me”. So I run from Him and hide in a pile of my own mess that is much more wide and deep than I would like to confess. If the general public knew the things I struggle with, they would reject me and leave alone to wander through the dark… Jesus does know those things and I can still feel my heart being tugged to pursue obedience and selflessness.
A few days ago, I was sitting in a bar with my great friend Caleb and I were having this conversation and for the first time ever I confessed to him that I was afraid. I am afraid of losing someone else who is close to me. I am afraid of dying and leaving my brother with yet another loss. I am afraid of failing as a speaker. I am afraid of really diving head over heals into a someones heart again only for it to not workout. I am afraid of not living up to my potential. I am afraid that the wretched relational patterns that I’ve created are irreversible and I will remain alone which leaves me without children.
Today, numbness has taken over my entire being and I could probably sleep for weeks without much frustration and I hate it, I want my life back, I want me back and I want to BE again.
I am still not sure why I use a public forum as my journal… it’s probably more detrimental than beneficial, I hope some how, someway that you are encouraged at least in knowing that we aren’t alone in this fight.