What happens when the decision that we need to make is the thing that we want to do the least? I guess the answer depends on whether or not you follow through? Follow through, now that is an interesting thing for me to write about… I typically lack follow through in most areas of my life. I am tenacious when it comes to being lazy and have pursued financial irresponsibility with my entire being and have also fought so hard to remain free from relational responsibility. So, who in the hell am I to talk about follow through?
In July of last year I met a girl, which in and of itself this statment means nothing because I ws always the guy who “met a girl”, however, there was and is something so special about this girl. After taking a couple weeks to work out some personal demons and situations I decided that I wanted to know more about this girl. Our interaction started with her serving me Smithwicks, 16oz at a time and has blossomed into something that neither of us had ever imagined it would be. One of the most interesting things about this girl is that my heart just wants her, and her heart wants me, in this infatuation that we seem to have for one another we turned a blind eye to some of the mechanics of who the other person is and how we individually respond. All in the name of love.
We got to love relatively quickly and that was something that I was encouraged by; it had been a couple years since I had truly felt this way for someone. My heart had honestly grown bleak towards the idea of love and the movement towards forever. Actually, the week I met her I had lunch with a friend of mine who I told, “I just don’t want to sacrifice anything for anyone”. And then I met her and my heart changed, my life changed and my world changed. I think a few people may have had mild heart attacks when they heard the news that I met someone and was engaged; that just wasn’t me, but she moved me.
She still moves me.
The course of our relationship has been a fairly bumpy one, extreme highs and lows, deep intimate love and intense fights and through every moment, whether good or bad I just thought that it was an area for me to learn about her and grow in my ability to love. There was a mixture of me treating her unfairly and not respecting her process and on the other hand she did the same to me. Through this we fought with each other, against each other, for each other and in defense of each other. It seems that I am unable to handle everything that life can throw at me, I thought I was stronger. I Thought I would be able to hold on through anything. I thought I would never have to be without her.
And now I’m here.
One of the hardest parts about being here is knowing that this is where my feet should be planted. There are individual things that we must discover within ourselves and workout so we can be fair to one another, respectful of one another and able to actively love one another. I pray that we are both dedicated to this process no matter how hard it is; it would be relatively easy for both of us to fall right back into the lives we used to live. There has been so much growth, maturation and understanding of who Jesus is, the purpose of the cross and the feeling of L!FE. One truth that I have experienced in my life is knowing that God can not heal someone who can not admit they are broken.
I am broken.
If you haven’t caught on yet, Jamie and I have separated. There have been a handful of situations in our relationship that have led us to this decision. It is obvious that we deeply love each other but there is something disconnected in the daily flow of life. Some of this lies in our personal individual differences and some lies in how we act and react to the other and some of this lies within the ever present pasts we have endured.
I will remain hopeful that God will grab ahold of our hearts and lead us in a way that is glorifying to Him and peaceful for our hearts. Please join us in prayer as we embark on this unwanted but necessary journey. Back to the original quesiton, who am I to talk about follow through? I am a man learning all that it means to do this, in every aspect of my life and it has started with her. I have not let go, I am following God through all I have.
L!VE. Pray. Cuss. Talk. Fight. Heal. LOVE.