When Faith Becomes A Facade

As we speak I am having my fingers video taped for an upcoming documentary on my life… yeah, my life. Altough I spend time telling the story it is not often that I really find my story that interesting… I mean, sure, I’ve been through a few things, but I know people who have been through twice if not three times the crap!

That brings me to the point of this entry. The other day I wrote a blog about a “crisis of faith” that I am currently in, and now seems like a good time to expand on that.

Over the course of the last 10 years I have professed faith in Jesus Christ, whether the motive of my heart was pure or not is a different story for a different day. For now, this has been a ten year journey of… faith. Belief in things that are unseen. It is true, for all of you who are not believers and come with certain objections… I can not see Jesus. I can not see Heaven. I can not prove to you with personal account that the Bible is a factual book, however, I believe these things. Or do I?

I have found that in my journeys and abilities, I am able to gain recognition and acceptance by my ability to spread the words of the Gospel, something that I sincerely love to do. I can admit that I love the attention that comes from being the guy in front, however, I do not love the burden that seems to follow such positions. What I mean by this is: I have to love Jesus, all of the time, and I am supposed to wear t-shirts with His name on them and I am supposed to use the name of Jesus in everything that I write or every piece of advice that I offer. If I don’t, I am judged, questioned, and for understandable reason. When people are up front, in the “spotlight” there is an assumed element to their life that they “have it all figured out”. Let me assure you of one thing, I do not have “it” or really anything totally figured out. Sometimes I act like I do, and sometimes I will lead you to believe that I do, I don’t. I won’t. and to be really honest, I don’t want to… What I do want is to share with you my struggles, my doubts, my questions and all of the things that you wonder about “the guy up front”, whoever he may be.

During this “crisis” of faith that I have been/am in this has been my thought… [please know that I am nervous about this] There are times that I feel like a Deist. I without question believe in a creator God, I have pretty much always believed in a creator God; it just doesn’t make sense any other way. And I have never really had a problem with Jesus being a man, walking the earth and completing the task of the Father, the will that He not only carried out, but created. What I OFTEN question and doubt is the interaction of God, the daily and momentary work of the Holy Spirit. I sometimes feel as if God created and took a step back, a step back to let creation self destruct until the time that He has chosen to redeem said creation.  Where do I get this? I do not have a “salvation story”, I do not have any significant stories of the works of the Holy Spirit or God’s divine hand coming down like a bolt of lightening to intercede in a specific situation that I am going through or praying about. For instance: healing, I have no story of God healing anyone that I have ever prayed for… I have considered no longer praying for healing in peoples lives as it has proven to not be one of my “gifts”. I prayed fervently for my mother to be healed from her cancer, she died. I have prayed fervently for God to heal friends of mine who are sick, they weren’t healed. I have prayed for my own healing, I remain broken. And this is just one example.

I do allow for narcissism and selfishness to play a part in this, as there are times that I expect God to bless me, or react to me when I ask and how I ask, because I ask.

There is another really giant piece of this for me. All of the people who profess a faith and Love in Jesus Christ who are complete ass-holes. Ahh, this might be the biggest one for me, the giant amount of bodies that not only flow in out out of the church doors on Sunday as a tide flows in and out of the shore, but also the men and women who profain the name of Jesus for the sake of their Bently, mansion, reputation [this one I can relate to]. I recently heard a story of two pastors [ a husband and wife combo] who have an open sexual relationship. There are stories of men and women who say things like “if you give me… God will…” And on and on and on and on and on…

I want truth. I want Love. I have grace [even if I go through moments of doubt]. I want people to admit their pain and their doubt. I want people to be free. I want people to live. For heaven’s sake… live!!

I realize that there are some men and women who love Jesus as I do that will be offended by the words that I have written, whether it be that I am admitting doubt, use cuss words or just my general attitude. Guess what? That’s ok, I can’t live for you, if I don’t live for Him and Him alone, I will not be alive and I vow to L!VE.

Jesus, please forgive me of my doubt and help me to more completely believe in your work on the cross, the active work of the Holy Spirit and the sovereignty of the Father.

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10 thoughts on “When Faith Becomes A Facade

  1. thanks for those words. I feel the same way some times. I just don’t always have the balls, or the humility to say them.

  2. This isn’t a bad thing to admit. Sometimes we doubt. We’re human. Just make sure you don’t put your faith in people; not everyone who professes to be Christian is actually part of the body.

    I have trouble with trusting God sometimes too. I hear stories of healing and God doing miracles, and I wonder why I haven’t witnessed any. I’m not sure why- well, maybe I do. I don’t really, deep in my heart, have faith that God will do miracles. Yikes, that sucks to say that.

  3. Dennis, Everyone I think at one point or another has doubt about God. I my own self have had doubt about the Lord Almighty when I watched my Grandmother die of Gangrene over a 3 week process, it to this day has been one of the hardest things to endure.

    I slowly started having the faith again then I lost my 2nd child due to an ectopic. This I take a little personal because to me a child is innocent and I don’t understand why God would put myself or the child through that. God has yet to give me the answer, do I continue to have faith. . . not so much these days but just like weather people say faith comes and goes.

    People have suggested reading the book “when bad things happen to good people.” I just picked it up last night, you might want to check it out.

    Great post.

    • Thanks for the reply!
      bad things don’t just happen to good people, they also happen to bad people. The same way that good things happen to both “good and bad” people. There is an unknown flow to life that brings glory and destruction. My heart currently sits in a million pieces, however, it is not at the blame of God for this brokenness but rather the selfishness and sinful ignorance of my fellow man. We treat people like shit and then walking away with our heads held high because “we feel fine” all the while demolishing someone’s heart. I am sorry for your extreme losses. I understand the pain of loss and it is not an easy pain to endure. Fight for your faith… your sanity may depend on it.

      again, thank you.

  4. Dennis,

    As someone who does not consider myself a Christian, or necessarily even a person of faith other than in myself, I give you props dude. This blog, and people like you help people like me see that everyone who proclaims to be a Christian isn’t just some blind follower who believes whatever the bible or church says. That people do question, and don’t always believe everything that people think they should. That people aren’t full of shit. I respect you, and your journey, and I’m proud of you for being so open when most people wouldn’t.

    • thank you for your time to write back, it is an encouragement to me and my journey. The reason that I write the way I do is for individuals like yourself who see “the church” as a bunch of ignorant blind mice. Thank you for following my journey, I just started recording a real and raw documentary of my story that I think you would find interesting, I will keep the world posted!

      L!VELOVE

  5. Jusika, i am sorry to hear about your child passing. It always is painful when we loose loved one’s. But just to be clear GOD did not put your child through that horrible ordeal. His word says that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, and as hard as it may be to beleive GOD did not cause that pain. What He did do though was rescue your little one, and now he/she is with JESUS and to be with Him is a joy and peace we can not even begin to understand. I pray the Lord will comfort you and draw you closer to Him.
    Dennis my man just wanted to assure you that the movement and activity of the Holy Spirit is alive and well. I do believe it is true, not because the Bible says it’s true but because i have experienced things that i cannot explain. I have had people prophesy over me and tell me and my family things that only we knew, and God has used me to give word. When you experience the Holy Spirit flow through you and speak through you it is unlike anything you will ever experience. Because me and my sister Amanda have seen and have been part of such things we have been forever changed. I have met some people who try and force a movement of the Holy Spirit and do it on a regualar basis. I have met more people that put on shows than i have met people who are really moving in the spirit. I could go on for days about this subject because i did not always believe or should i say i was not totally sure about it. Anyhow i love to read the stuff that you write on here, where do you get your ideas? Are you being led by the Holy Spirit when you are writing? Hmm. The word says that He distributes the gifts as He see’s fit, and maybe your writing and speaking is where he has gifted you.

  6. I think God accepts our questions and even prefers we be honest about our doubts, the strongest encouragement of this I see is the inclusion of Ecclesiastes in the Bible–the whole thing is searchering and wandering and pondering aloud God, and then coming to the conclusion, He’s it–the real deal, the only thing worth it in life.

    I think it’s important to share these things because others can help reign you in when you’re spinning out of control with questions and have lost some sort of center.

    I just went through a big one myself. I don’t understand some of the mysteries of God and I’ve been talking them out with several different people and we all have come to the conclusion ‘I don’t know’ but what we do know is God is good, and he is infinite while we are finite, so we aren’t going to understand some things you know, and that’s okay. I guess that’s where faith plays a real part in our relationship.

    But I know what you mean, people can make church the hardest thing to be a part of–but I think it’s worth it to persevere and stick with it–to be one of those who love others and God and give grace. It helps to serve as a counter-example of those living the christian facade rather than the Christian Faith.

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