As we speak I am having my fingers video taped for an upcoming documentary on my life… yeah, my life. Altough I spend time telling the story it is not often that I really find my story that interesting… I mean, sure, I’ve been through a few things, but I know people who have been through twice if not three times the crap!
That brings me to the point of this entry. The other day I wrote a blog about a “crisis of faith” that I am currently in, and now seems like a good time to expand on that.
Over the course of the last 10 years I have professed faith in Jesus Christ, whether the motive of my heart was pure or not is a different story for a different day. For now, this has been a ten year journey of… faith. Belief in things that are unseen. It is true, for all of you who are not believers and come with certain objections… I can not see Jesus. I can not see Heaven. I can not prove to you with personal account that the Bible is a factual book, however, I believe these things. Or do I?
I have found that in my journeys and abilities, I am able to gain recognition and acceptance by my ability to spread the words of the Gospel, something that I sincerely love to do. I can admit that I love the attention that comes from being the guy in front, however, I do not love the burden that seems to follow such positions. What I mean by this is: I have to love Jesus, all of the time, and I am supposed to wear t-shirts with His name on them and I am supposed to use the name of Jesus in everything that I write or every piece of advice that I offer. If I don’t, I am judged, questioned, and for understandable reason. When people are up front, in the “spotlight” there is an assumed element to their life that they “have it all figured out”. Let me assure you of one thing, I do not have “it” or really anything totally figured out. Sometimes I act like I do, and sometimes I will lead you to believe that I do, I don’t. I won’t. and to be really honest, I don’t want to… What I do want is to share with you my struggles, my doubts, my questions and all of the things that you wonder about “the guy up front”, whoever he may be.
During this “crisis” of faith that I have been/am in this has been my thought… [please know that I am nervous about this] There are times that I feel like a Deist. I without question believe in a creator God, I have pretty much always believed in a creator God; it just doesn’t make sense any other way. And I have never really had a problem with Jesus being a man, walking the earth and completing the task of the Father, the will that He not only carried out, but created. What I OFTEN question and doubt is the interaction of God, the daily and momentary work of the Holy Spirit. I sometimes feel as if God created and took a step back, a step back to let creation self destruct until the time that He has chosen to redeem said creation. Where do I get this? I do not have a “salvation story”, I do not have any significant stories of the works of the Holy Spirit or God’s divine hand coming down like a bolt of lightening to intercede in a specific situation that I am going through or praying about. For instance: healing, I have no story of God healing anyone that I have ever prayed for… I have considered no longer praying for healing in peoples lives as it has proven to not be one of my “gifts”. I prayed fervently for my mother to be healed from her cancer, she died. I have prayed fervently for God to heal friends of mine who are sick, they weren’t healed. I have prayed for my own healing, I remain broken. And this is just one example.
I do allow for narcissism and selfishness to play a part in this, as there are times that I expect God to bless me, or react to me when I ask and how I ask, because I ask.
There is another really giant piece of this for me. All of the people who profess a faith and Love in Jesus Christ who are complete ass-holes. Ahh, this might be the biggest one for me, the giant amount of bodies that not only flow in out out of the church doors on Sunday as a tide flows in and out of the shore, but also the men and women who profain the name of Jesus for the sake of their Bently, mansion, reputation [this one I can relate to]. I recently heard a story of two pastors [ a husband and wife combo] who have an open sexual relationship. There are stories of men and women who say things like “if you give me… God will…” And on and on and on and on and on…
I want truth. I want Love. I have grace [even if I go through moments of doubt]. I want people to admit their pain and their doubt. I want people to be free. I want people to live. For heaven’s sake… live!!
I realize that there are some men and women who love Jesus as I do that will be offended by the words that I have written, whether it be that I am admitting doubt, use cuss words or just my general attitude. Guess what? That’s ok, I can’t live for you, if I don’t live for Him and Him alone, I will not be alive and I vow to L!VE.
Jesus, please forgive me of my doubt and help me to more completely believe in your work on the cross, the active work of the Holy Spirit and the sovereignty of the Father.