Todays date is December Sixteenth and my depravity is redlining.
I would like all of you who are reading this to know how thankful I am for your willingness. Your willingness to read, to think, to invest, to feel, to cuss, to cry, to seek God, to disagree, whatever your response is to the things that I write, thank you.
With that said, let me ask you for your forgiveness? I have been dishonest in my silence and have taken my own words with a grain of salt rather than the weight of eternity. Often and without regard I encourage honesty, vulnerability and communication with an expectation that you will at least consider what life would look like if they were implemented. Allow me to “practice what I preach”…
One of the most painful things about denying ourselves instant gratification [whatever our crutch may be] is that it causes the selfishness and pride to fight its way from the depths of our hearts to the surface where it not only affects us but also those we love. These pains, habits, demons, whatever their title are haunting and deadly if not dealt with. I hope you’re ok with this…
Transition is happening, rapidly.
Six months ago I had no true desire to be in a “serious relationship” with anyone. There was nothing in my life that I wanted to sacrifice for someone or even compromise with them for that matter. I was comfortable in my “slip up and repent” lifestyle, a lifestyle that I worked very hard at mastering. I believe the date was July sixth, I was at lunch with my good friend James Monte and told him how far off I was from marriage or even the honest desire to be married. Four days later I met my fiance, a woman that I have known just longer than five months.
We [Jamie and I] have been through a lot. Our engagement is not premature considering the miniature amount of time that we have been together. I know her. She knows me. I know her story and she knows mine. She held me when my dad died. She has held me when I cry over my moms death. She has let me read her journals. She has told me some stories. She has loved me, without the need for sexual interaction. Has there been? Yes. Do we fight for purity? Yes.
Jamie and I have not had sex [with each other]. This is kind-of a first for both of us, and although difficult at times it is by far the most worthy thing we have not compromised.
Where this turns dark is within my heart. There being a lack of sexual stimulation leads me to feel rejected and undesired at times, even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is not true. I know that Jamie accepts me, the real me, for who I am all of the time, without fail. I also know that she desires me completely, not just sexually, not just emotionally, not just my presence but all of these, all of the time. I often have to ask her forgiveness for this because it changes my mood, I react poorly and not only dread the sin that boils in my soul but also the way my poor response makes her feel.
One really neat thing about our relationship is that we both know that the other is going to be there, no matter the hurt, no matter the dark that is exposed, no matter what is said or done. It is because of this that there is so much transition. We are moving forward as a team [yes we have a team name… duh]. T.I.F.T.Y. which appropriately stands for Team I’m Funnier Than You! Team mates are mutually beneficial to one another, I plan to further assist Jamie in becoming a professional photographer and she is supporting and complimenting of my pursuit of full time public speaking. If you have known me for any amount of time then you know that I am known for doing just enough to get by, those days are now over as I have been entrusted by God, another to provide for.
The days of forty hour work weeks are rapidly approaching and although I am scared because I have never done the 40HPW thing well, I am very excited for the growth that will happen in both mine and Jamie’s hearts during this time. I will be making enough money that Jamie can focus on photography and work on a little of my speaking stuff and I can focus on speaking at night. A good friend of mine has a ten minute clip on YouTube where he talks about the original “call” that God has put on our lives, and how we react towards God when we don’t get the other things that we want.
When I was 18 years old my heart was softened towards youngsters within the church walls. Kids in youth group aren’t necessarily Christians and my heart brakes for them, however, I have tried so hard to not be the “church guy”. I don’t have bleached tips and I no longer wear pookah shell necklaces [sorry for the stereotype].
God is making a Man out of me, it is painful and beautiful at the same time and Glory Glory that He decided to use a beautiful woman to initiate some of this growth… The saying is true “it is not good for man to be alone”.
I’m not really sure where all of this came from or is going, it is a journey all its own.