I have done myself an injustice.
I fight to hard to understand the hows and whys of life.
I cling to closely to resolution.
I fear relational chasms in an unhealthy way.
Over the last ten years I have seen a lot of relational pain as the observer, offender and receiver. There have been many hours put into trying to figure out the workings of the human heart [relational part of the brain]. Here are some examples of the topics that I try so hard to understand:
Why do we harness bitterness only to be upset with the one we “love”?
Why are people unfaithful [seriously, if you want to sleep around, just be single]?
Why do we have these little baby triggers that destroy a situation unnecessarily?
Why do I talk things out while others think things through?
All relationships experience a collaboration of these and many others. The triggers are made up of our baggage, the experiences that we have gathered, ranging from all types of relationships from family to romantic. Some of us are the abuser and some of us are the abused. All of these things effect and influence the motions and movements of a relationship. They create walls and insecurities and have to be fought through not simply dealt with.
As most of you have read or seen on my twitter/facebook I am in a relationship with a very special woman, she is seriously the completion to parts of me that I never thought would actually be completed. [while writing this all I can think of is Jerry McGuire, ha] Jamie is witty, spontaneous, weird, sensitive, honest, loving, supportive, funny, intriguing, interested, creative and uncontrollably beautiful. Unfortunately, we can not just meet someone for who they are and start fresh… We all have bags of shit [there is just no other word that works] that we carry with us, from past experiences, from the injustices that are done to us and some of us carry more than others. Jamie and I have both had our fair share of bad relational decisions which makes for a hard fight, a worthy but hard fight. During the moments when one of our bags falls to the floor and a little poopoo spills out is when we get to see the strength in our bond. There are times that we fight/argue over really silly things and there are times that the topics are a little more worthy of the intensity.
Where I fail hard is in the resolution…
I want to talk everything out, now! Not in five minutes, not tomorrow, now. The way that I best enjoy to process the situation at hand is to talk through it, to share your feelings and I’ll share mine. You can tell me how what I said made you feel and I will do the same so we both are understanding of what is being said and felt and more so why they are being said and felt.
Jamie is not as sudden in her process of resolution. She needs time to think about what was said and why and once it has been processed and thought about, then it can be talked about. We are very different in this.
I think I am a little abnormal in how I deal and process information but because I hate festering emotion I am pushy that it be done my way, this is totally unfair of me. I really need to be more understanding when she needs her time and even though it is frustrating [for me] to walk away without resolution, my biggest concern has to be her heart even to the point that I sacrifice my “process”.
I love Jamie. I try to love her sacrificially the way that we experience the love of Jesus. Sometimes my pride makes this difficult. My goal is to learn how love her the way that Christ loves the “church” before I am eternally responsible to. I will fail and fall from time to time and I will have to repent of my selfishness but, I hope she knows that she is the one I am fighting for; I know she is fighting for me.