There are times in the summer months when waves of gray skies and rain clouds roll through like a crew attempting to claim new territory. The moments where this happens to my brain are like near death experiences for me, like holding an umbrella in a lighting storm. In the middle of a barren land I lay, knowing that any direction I commit to will bring life while also knowing that I could die if I hesitate for too long. The journey is long and the road home is o’ so narrow.
Now that I have used an unnecessary amount of metaphors…
I am continually tempted by sexual sin, not hidden in my bedroom porn and masturbation as much as physical and intimate interaction with a woman who I have no business experiencing in such a way! James tells us that we are ” tempted when we are lured and enticed by our own desires” and that “desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
Not necessarily that my heart will stop beating blood to the rest of my organs, causing my body to shut down, but that I will become a zombie. Moving, walking, talking and interacting apart from my source of life. It is not as if my life source leaves my side or that I have done something “too bad” or thought something “too despicable” but that I have separated myself.
I have removed the oxygen to my lungs.
This death is the only thing that truly haunts me [and the thought of being “successful”]
Sex is the only drug I have ever known… I have never taken a big rip from a bong, snorted a line, smoked an 8 ball, or cooked dope, tied off my arm and injected.
I have only held hearts, experiences and emotions from a string that I never intended to keep in my grasp. This is my battle today. This has been my battle for about a week. I feel freedom for a moment and then the suffocation returns…
James commands that we “confess your sins to each other and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
Brothers and sisters, consider this my confession… please, please pray for me that I would have the strength to fight, that I would continually rely on Christ as my complete satisfaction and ultimately that I would flee this youthful passion, that I would pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, alongside brothers and sisters who can assist in my protection.
dennis alan gable jr.