When Faith Becomes A Facade

As we speak I am having my fingers video taped for an upcoming documentary on my life… yeah, my life. Altough I spend time telling the story it is not often that I really find my story that interesting… I mean, sure, I’ve been through a few things, but I know people who have been through twice if not three times the crap!

That brings me to the point of this entry. The other day I wrote a blog about a “crisis of faith” that I am currently in, and now seems like a good time to expand on that.

Over the course of the last 10 years I have professed faith in Jesus Christ, whether the motive of my heart was pure or not is a different story for a different day. For now, this has been a ten year journey of… faith. Belief in things that are unseen. It is true, for all of you who are not believers and come with certain objections… I can not see Jesus. I can not see Heaven. I can not prove to you with personal account that the Bible is a factual book, however, I believe these things. Or do I?

I have found that in my journeys and abilities, I am able to gain recognition and acceptance by my ability to spread the words of the Gospel, something that I sincerely love to do. I can admit that I love the attention that comes from being the guy in front, however, I do not love the burden that seems to follow such positions. What I mean by this is: I have to love Jesus, all of the time, and I am supposed to wear t-shirts with His name on them and I am supposed to use the name of Jesus in everything that I write or every piece of advice that I offer. If I don’t, I am judged, questioned, and for understandable reason. When people are up front, in the “spotlight” there is an assumed element to their life that they “have it all figured out”. Let me assure you of one thing, I do not have “it” or really anything totally figured out. Sometimes I act like I do, and sometimes I will lead you to believe that I do, I don’t. I won’t. and to be really honest, I don’t want to… What I do want is to share with you my struggles, my doubts, my questions and all of the things that you wonder about “the guy up front”, whoever he may be.

During this “crisis” of faith that I have been/am in this has been my thought… [please know that I am nervous about this] There are times that I feel like a Deist. I without question believe in a creator God, I have pretty much always believed in a creator God; it just doesn’t make sense any other way. And I have never really had a problem with Jesus being a man, walking the earth and completing the task of the Father, the will that He not only carried out, but created. What I OFTEN question and doubt is the interaction of God, the daily and momentary work of the Holy Spirit. I sometimes feel as if God created and took a step back, a step back to let creation self destruct until the time that He has chosen to redeem said creation.  Where do I get this? I do not have a “salvation story”, I do not have any significant stories of the works of the Holy Spirit or God’s divine hand coming down like a bolt of lightening to intercede in a specific situation that I am going through or praying about. For instance: healing, I have no story of God healing anyone that I have ever prayed for… I have considered no longer praying for healing in peoples lives as it has proven to not be one of my “gifts”. I prayed fervently for my mother to be healed from her cancer, she died. I have prayed fervently for God to heal friends of mine who are sick, they weren’t healed. I have prayed for my own healing, I remain broken. And this is just one example.

I do allow for narcissism and selfishness to play a part in this, as there are times that I expect God to bless me, or react to me when I ask and how I ask, because I ask.

There is another really giant piece of this for me. All of the people who profess a faith and Love in Jesus Christ who are complete ass-holes. Ahh, this might be the biggest one for me, the giant amount of bodies that not only flow in out out of the church doors on Sunday as a tide flows in and out of the shore, but also the men and women who profain the name of Jesus for the sake of their Bently, mansion, reputation [this one I can relate to]. I recently heard a story of two pastors [ a husband and wife combo] who have an open sexual relationship. There are stories of men and women who say things like “if you give me… God will…” And on and on and on and on and on…

I want truth. I want Love. I have grace [even if I go through moments of doubt]. I want people to admit their pain and their doubt. I want people to be free. I want people to live. For heaven’s sake… live!!

I realize that there are some men and women who love Jesus as I do that will be offended by the words that I have written, whether it be that I am admitting doubt, use cuss words or just my general attitude. Guess what? That’s ok, I can’t live for you, if I don’t live for Him and Him alone, I will not be alive and I vow to L!VE.

Jesus, please forgive me of my doubt and help me to more completely believe in your work on the cross, the active work of the Holy Spirit and the sovereignty of the Father.

In My Heart of Hearts

This will be the third post that I have started this week, let’s see if I can get all the way through this one.

Throughout my blogging history I have posed this question a couple of times, “who am I?” Typically when I post this question it is for you to answer; I strive to continually be better and grow more and the way I am perceived by the people that I have or do communicate with daily. This time I am asking this question from a mirror’s prospective.

Who Am I?

On your average day, I would say that I am confident, comfortable in my skin and overall living with a clear conscience. Today, I am insecure, not confident and the torment of my thoughts is slowly eating away at my brain. Transition is something that I have become very accustomed to, however, I think most of that has to do with my desire for attention. For example, I used to change the style of my facial hair a few times a month, you know, to keep people guessing. There is a lot of commitment and consistency in my future, all of which I am excited to embrace and oddly enough that is not where this issue stems from. My issues [although great in number] are stemming from a season of doubt. A season that I will not go into much detail about, yet. I am anxious to share a lot of this with Jamie before I share it with you, but don’t worry, your time will come!

• If you pray, pray for me.
• If you think, think about me.
• If you don’t care, ask someone who does to pray for or think about me.
• If you are in similar season, please share, I’d love to walk this road with others.

Until next time, which will be soon I hope, live with an attitude of love, for the sake of someone else.

Tell Me What You Want [what you really really want]

If you are single, [not dating, married, or engaged] what are the attributes that you look for in a partner? If you’re life were a “Build A Mate” factory, how would you comprise your dream person?

If you’d like, be so specific as to list “must haves” and “maybes”.

Now, if you are in a committed relationship and faithful to your partner, [no matter its level of intensity, and have not cheated on that person] what are the attributes that you were looking for and found, AND what desired attributes did you sacrifice?

Last question, if you are in a commited relationship and have NOT remained faithful, what attributes do you look for in a fling that your partner doesn’t have and why don’t you just end the relationship?

Depending on your answers to these questions, I would recommend that some of you remain anonymous. However, if you feel the need to remain anonymous then maybe you should fix something!

Limpin’ Aint Easy [brick number two]

Over the past few years I have had the opportunity to spend a percentage of my time speaking to high school students at various schools in this beautiful valley that I call home.  most of these students have been kicked out of at least one school or purposefully find themselves in what the school system calls the “emotionally disturbed” class. On some level they are like someone who commits a despicable crime and claims insanity, although they are obviously not insane their actions leave little room for another option. Most of these students are not emotionally disturbed they have just made the decision to try so hard to be disobedient that the school leaves little room for any other feasible option. I have drawn many conclusions about humanity over the course of these short yet action packed three years. Please notice that I have not solely concluded about the behavior of teenagers, much of my observation has been of adults. There is one major difference between a teenager and an adult [this shouldn't be hard to figure out], you guessed it, their age. You wonder why the office that you work bears such a close resemblance to the high school that you went to, because we are a bunch of insecure, injured teens trapped in older shells.

During the time spent with these students I often think to myself, “they try so hard to be disobedient”. There is so much intention behind every action complimented by an effort that would likely equal good grades, accolades, praise and the attention that they are really seeking. I am fortunate enough to have this very close to home also, my little brother has been promised a trip to Six Flags in California, money and now a complete drum set, if he will put in the work and discipline necessary to get good grades. So far he has missed Six Flags, been unmotivated by the money and the jury is still out on the drum set. What I try to explain to him is that if he would put half of the time and effort that he does into playing Rock Band, he would have it made! I’m really pulling for him to get this drum set out of me; I think he could be a great drummer.

Here is where humanity comes in…

Last night I was working at Babbo [an Italian restaurant here in PHX] and was repulsed by seeing two “middle aged” people make-out like they had just snuck out of the prom for a little tongue wrestling session. Why they decided to lean on the car that was parked directly in front of the entrance I will never understand, maybe they too are desperate for attention. After watching this RPDA [repulsing display of affection], I began thinking about infidelity on numerous levels, prostitution, pornography addiction, strip clubs, escort services, office flings, etc. The amount of work that people put in simply for some attention is so silly. Whether that “work” be in the form of time, secrecy, money, lies, role playing, whatever it is, it has to be exhausting. And it is all in the name of attention, just like an “emotionally disturbed” adolescent. Similar to the advice I have given my little brother I would give to these adults, “if you would put half as much work into your spouse, your past, your insecurities as you do trying to run from them, you would be so happy, and surely more healthy”!

If you are reading and have not yet read Every Scar is a Bridge please go do that and start to identify these things that creep and crawl within your own heart. If we are going to work hard, let us work towards being healthy, whole, happy and honest!

L!VELOVE